1/100 Day Journey- Let it Go

Recently, I had a few weeks to think, plan, stress, overthink, become hopeful, stress out, and plan while overthinking and the cycle continues. My contract at my temp job ended. It was pretty much, “You are so wonderful! We appreciate all that you do!” Then, six hours later, my recruiter told me I was out of a job.
Great warning for someone who had just figured out her budget. I even left my card of appreciation at my desk. The only decoration I allowed myself to have the whole time I was on the assignment and now it didn’t matter. I even made the joke a few times that they must have taken a tip from one of my ex-boyfriends. “You’re so wonderful and amazing! Good Bye!”

Once I got over the job of looking for a new job (yes, I start a new one this week. Yay, me!), I had time to watch too much YouTube and read a few books. Along with my love for history and art, I decided to look into a little more about character development, as a person. The videos I watched started with how to have a presence and led to videos telling women how to dress well, be more elegant, how to be seductive, etc. I knew I had a flaw in my personal character to keep running these same circles both personally and professionally. So, what have I been doing wrong?

I learned so much from TED talks and found some of the best advice from Matthew Hussey. It wasn’t the advice on “how to get a man” that stood out to me. It was his take on confidence. That was the theme in everything I watched. Confidence. The fastest way for my confidence to get thrown down and kicked in the face is to tell me I need more of it. Then, I saw Matthew’s video and it was different. It’s not something that is based on achievements. It does come and go. When you don’t know if you’ll have it from one day to the next, it’s best to start with the, “I don’t need to impress anyone else” attitude.

Then, YouTube suggested someone I had never seen before. His name is Aaron Doughty. The video that came up was first the Abandonment Wound. I know I have had abandonment issues. Sure, guy! Tell me how I am going to get rid of this in 10 minutes. I was Wowed! I not only related to his words and understood that my empathy is a trauma response, but he talked like he was sending a video to his best friend. The words that really hit were, “You’re worthy just for being you” Now that I write that out, it makes me think of Mr. Rogers and I like that sentence that much more.

The hardest thing is detachment. I think it’s because we think of it as not caring. Especially when the definition looks like this:

de·tach·ment /dəˈtaCHmənt/

noun: detachment; plural noun: detachments

1.the state of being objective or aloof.”he felt a sense of detachment from what was going on”Similar: objectivity dispassion dispassionateness disinterest indifference.

The word that stands out the most to me is the word objective.

ob·jec·tive /əbˈjektiv/

adjective

  1. 1.(of a person or their judgment) not influenced by personal feelings or opinions in considering and representing facts.”historians try to be objective and impartial”

We aren’t robots. Most of us do have feelings and emotions do happen. The purpose of detachment is to not let those feelings influence who you are.

At the core, we want to be loved and appreciated for who we are right now. Instead of being appreciated at the moment, we have been handed ever-changing social scripts. Many of the scripts of who we are expected to be are often given to us by other people who are negative and unhealthy influences. We are fit into so many different roles and crammed into so many uncomfortable boxes that we start to forget who we were before we were handed everyone else’s script.

Drop the scripts. Drop the props. It’s time to write your own character. To achieve peace it’s time to let go of the baggage that belongs to other people. It was never yours to carry. Let it go!





Hello, 2020! It’s Time!

How did you bring in 2020? Did you go out to a party with friends or spend a quiet night at home? Perhaps you’re asleep right now. After all, I am writing this at nearly 2 o’ clock in the morning. Me? I spent it watching American Dad and texting with my best friend. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

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With all of the end-of-decade reviews, I was reminded of where I was ten years ago. I remind myself every year. I call it my “kick in the butt” story.  January 1, 2010 I rang in the New Year at a Roger Cline and the Peacemakers concert. I worked at the Celebrity Theatre at the time. I had barely eaten all day, was buzzing on coffee, and had one of the most upbeat nights up to that point. That was the night I decided it was time to take chances.

I had been going back and forth in my head on if I wanted to be a writer. That night, among all of the guests that I knew, I was especially excited to see Jim. Jim, the Celebrity’s former stage manager. Jim, who had been taken off life support nine months earlier and was walking through my club doors. I gave him a hug and a kiss on the cheek and told him that guests had come by and thought he had died. “I heard that rumour,” he said. “I was worried.”

Instead of wishing me a Happy New Year that night, he said the one sentence I remember every time I need to motivate myself: “May your dreams come true this year.” That was the moment I knew I was quitting my job and became a writer.

I had finished telling this story to a co-worker, last week,  when a sweet lady from another department brought treats and a card.  Inscribed inside: “May your Christmas dreams come true.”

That’s when I knew. I knew that despite taking a break from professional writing for the last year to regain my peace of mind, It’s time. It’s time to make Dreams into Goals into Reality.  It’s Time, 2020!

Happy New Year!! Happy New Decade!!

New Year.Old Anxiety.

 

The last two weeks have been filled with constant anxiety. I can’t blame the holidays, because there is very little that is Christmasy in Phoenix.

I wish I could place it, but I can’t figure out exactly what is wrong. I go outside and have to remind myself that I’m fine and I’m safe.

The hardest part of this anxiety is how difficult it is on my closest friends, who try to be well meaning and try to empathize, only to get frustrated and give me even more space.

I miss feeling Christmas. Right now, I’m trying to think of ways to improve myself and form new habits over the next 100 days in hopes that 365  days really from now, I  can enjoy the holidays and this will all be only a memory of the dark night of the soul.

 

adult black and white darkness face
Photo by Juan Pablo Serrano Arenas on Pexels.com

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